


time goes by and I can't control my mind (just keep breathing)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: if this love is pain (then darling let's love tonight) [5]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany), SKAM (France), SKAM (Italy), SKAM (Norway), SKAM (Spain), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: ALL HAIL MILAN THE BEST DAD EVER, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I HAVE PAPERS TO WRITE AND I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THESE EMOTIONS, I SWEAR TO GOD WTFOCK NEEDS TO GIVE US A REUNION, Kinda, M/M, Oops, POV Sander, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, also Milan because i love him, and i need some comfort/confirmation so that way I can sleep properly, but um things go a but awry because, evaks comforting Robbe/Sander, seriously I haven't worked on my own novel since last week, the squad of evaks go out to lazer tag, world building
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21555976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: You’re so warm, now, in a way you've never been before.It’s been two months and Robbe still makes you feel like there’s a supernova going off in your chest, but this time around the supernova isn't blinding. It isn't killing you. No, rather, it's a feeling of energy replenishing, of your world renewing, of everything being bright for the first time since you were a little kid.And it's not just Robbe, either- you have two other groups of people that you can depend on, for the first time in your life.First there's a family here in this flat that you’ve never had, before, a family made of Milan and Senne and Zoe and occasionally Jens, whenever he drops by. A family who support you and Robbe, who give you a place to turn to, people who make you feel like part of a home.Then there’s also your and Robbe's friends, Even and Eliott's group of friends. You and Robbe have had way too many late night conversations about all of the weird similarities between them all and even between the two of you, the possibilities of parallel universes and all kinds of strange shit that seems like just the kind of stuff that Bowie would sing about.You’re happier than you’ve ever been in your life.
Relationships: Cristina "Cris" Soto Peña/Joana Bianchi Acosta, Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant, Even & David & Nico & Eliott & Joana & Sander, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck), Niccolò Fares/Martino Rametta, Robbe & Isak & Cris & Lucas & Matteo & Martino, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Series: if this love is pain (then darling let's love tonight) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1550230
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91
Collections: Skam Belgium (Wtfock) ▶ Sander Driesen / Robbe Ijzermans





	time goes by and I can't control my mind (just keep breathing)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Breathin'" by Ariana Grande.
> 
> Finally found a way to watch Skam Italia and, well, I loved it! It was a really soft and sweet season and though I love all boy squads (save maybe Belgium's), I finally saw why the fandom deems the Italian one the god-tier one. The Bracciano weekend scenes may very well be my favorite version of that scene in any of the remakes. Also, Nico and Marti are a really sweet, tender couple and the red strings thing? Also has to be one of my favorite details in any of the remakes. Also Nico's version of the "O Helga Natt" text might be my favorite (cheers for the "last men on earth" line), even if I love every single "you are not alone" moment with an equal and entire part of my heart. (Also, how is the music fucking perfect in every "you are not alone" scene? Tell me.) 
> 
> I don't have a favorite remake, really, just favorite moments/particular details about each remake, but Italia just showed me the continued beauty of every remake, and I can't wait to finish Spain and WTFock.
> 
> So in the spirit of love and remakes and giving Sander and Robbe the kind of support that Marti got from his friends, here's another installment of "gay noah's arc in Antwerp."

_I hear your heart beating in your chest]_

_The world slows 'till there's nothing left_

_Skyscrapers look on like great, unblinking giants_

_In those heavy days in June_

_When love became an act of defiance_

_Hold onto each other_

_Hold onto each other_

**_-Florence + the Machine_ , June**

You’re so warm, now, in a way you've never been before.

It’s been two months and Robbe still makes you feel like there’s a supernova going off in your chest, but this time around the supernova isn't blinding. It isn't killing you. No, rather, it's a feeling of energy replenishing, of your world renewing, of everything being bright for the first time since you were a little kid.

And it's not just Robbe, either- you have two other groups of people that you can depend on, for the first time in your life.

First there's a family here in this flat that you’ve never had, before, a family made of Milan and Senne and Zoe and occasionally Jens, whenever he drops by. A family who support you and Robbe, who give you a place to turn to, people who you trade off cooking and cleaning duties with, people who hug you, people who make you feel like part of a _home_. People who are protective and supportive of you and Robbe, people who make you feel safe and comforted.

Then there’s also your and Robbe's friends, Even and Eliott's group of friends who you and Robbe are pretty sure are a bit more than just friends. You and Robbe have had way too many late night conversations about all of the weird similarities between them all and even between the two of you, the possibilities of parallel universes and all kinds of strange shit that seems like just the kind of stuff that Bowie would sing about. Whatever's going on, though, it doesn't feel too crazy at the end of the day, rather a strange sort of comforting when one of them knows exactly what you or Robbe are thinking or feeling or needing, understanding without having to ask.

You’re happier than you’ve ever been in your life, you know.

-

The problem is, nothing can possibly be perfect.

There’s this thing called PTSD, you know, applied to nightmares and flashbacks and traumas, and you've never applied it to yourself, not even after the attack.

You have nightmares, but those are normal. You’ve had them for years. Sure, they used to be about your mother and now they’re about Robbe getting hurt, Robbe getting beaten up, Robbe dying, but that’s just a change. Not a sign of some deeper issue.

Zoe and Robbe have mentioned getting you to go to therapy, but nothing's really changed severely since the attack. Nothing that would be cause for you to _finally_ start dealing with the shit inside your head.

But then you’re talking to Elliot about what it’s like for him to be bipolar and you realize-

Well, you realize that some of your reactions might not exactly be ‘normal.’ That maybe you’ve always been freezing and that’s not normal, but rather a symptom of what happened with your mother, a problem that was only exacerbated by what happened to you and Robbe in that alley.

So, you're dealing with that, and slowly convincing yourself to go to therapy. You have the feeling you're going to need something to push you over the edge, though.

-

That 'thing' comes sooner rather than later.

-

You and Robbe are out for lazer tag with Eliott and Even and their whole gang when everything goes to shit.

At first, everything seems pretty fine. When you all go in as a group, you end up splitting into two teams. Said teams split in a kind of hilarious way, with all of the artistic nerds on one side and all of your significant others on the other team. All of the nerds have musicians as their usernames, from an obvious “Bowie” for you to a less obvious “Nas” for Even. The other team has gone more for a superhero bent, with Robbe as “Spiderman.”

Robbe and you part with a kiss at the door. “You’re going down,” he promises, and you remember that paintball fight with the girls, remember winning then, and you smirk.

“Wanna bet?”

“Of course,” he says with a smile.

“Loser takes the other’s dish duty for the week.”

“I can agree to that,” he says, staring fondly at your lips, and you just have to lean in and kiss him again before you head into the arena.

The two teams split off throughout the arena, finding their places, and then everything goes to hell.

The lights go down and all of a sudden your vest is too heavy on your chest, pressing down as an oppressive weight. Your brain splinters and the world tilts, just a bit, because the world is dark and there are some shouts from the other side of the room and Robbe’s not here and how could you have thought this was a good idea? You and Robbe, you’re not safe here. You weren’t safe in the alley and you’re not safe here, in the dark, with shouts and running and lazers going off all around you.

You want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and try to take deep breaths and calm your racing heart, but Robbe’s somewhere out there, alone, and you can’t let those guys get to him. You can’t let him get hurt again.

You try to take a deep breath and try and find Robbe even through the tears burning at the back of your eyes, the sour fear rising in your throat. You start heading forward, trying to somehow find Robbe in the dark, unable to get any loud noises to exit your throat.

Then Martino- calm, kind Martino- comes around the corner and he’s not on your team and his gun is raised but you couldn’t give less of a shit about that.

“Robbe,” you choke out, hardly able to breathe, “Where is he?”

Martino’s eyes go wide, and you have to wonder what your expression looks like. “You okay, Sander?” he asks, and you just shake your head, because the last time you were stuck in a dark space like this with people shouting you were crumpled on your knees in an alley, getting the shit kicked out of you because you dared to kiss the boy you loved.

“I-” The words can’t exit your throat, your fear is choking you so badly. “I need to find him. Keep him safe. The last time we-” Your throat locks around your words.

“Where the hell is Robbe?” Martino turns and shouts, because you can’t get any loud noises out of your throat.

From a few walls over, you hear Nico’s voice shout, “Marti, over here!” and you’re following Martino around a few walls of the arena, holstering your gun as you do so.

Then you two turn the corner and there’s Nico, standing there, that same expression of concern on his face.

“Fuck, Marti,” Nico says, and you see that behind him Robbe’s crouched on the ground, hands over his head, breaths coming sharp and in gasps. His gun is abandoned on the ground next to him, long forgotten. You stumble over, trying to get close to him. You land on your knees next to him and you’re peeling off your vest because fuck the rules, you can’t have this bulky layer between him and you. Then you’re hugging him close, pulling him into your arms, and he’s shaking and you’re shaking and the only reason your world isn’t ending again is because you have him in your arms just like you didn’t the last time.

“You are not alone,” you say, over and over, repeating it like a mantra, “I’m here, Robbe. You’re not alone.”

The sounds of shouting and running footsteps die down rather quickly, without the alarm for the end of the game going off. You hear someone shushing and talking to people in a quiet voice behind you, but you barely notice, instead just concentrating on holding onto Robbe, on trying to somehow transfer some measure of steadiness and calm to him, on trying to comfort him as he always does you.

By the time Robbe calms down his breathing enough to look up at you, thus allowing you to look up around you two, everyone’s there. Martino and Nico, first off, but also Joana and Cris and all of the guys.

“What happened?” Cris asks, voice concerned, and you know you should probably take your arms off of Robbe’s shoulders but you can’t bring yourself to detach from him. Not when everything’s still dark save for the blinking lights and the UV lights illuminating the arena, turning your hair purple. It’s still too much like that alley for comfort.

“I don’t think we should do lazer tag as a group for a _very_ long time,” Martino says, and you definitely agree as you try to get your hands to steady down entirely.

Then Robbe starts to stand, and you help him up. Then he says, voice quiet and just a little shaky: “I’d have to give this experience zero stars on booking." He gives you a small smile, and you can’t help but smile back at him, no matter how shaken you are.

Then you manage to tear your eyes away from Robbe just long enough to look at everyone else. "Sorry about stopping the whole thing and ruining it for everyone," you say, because you've spent a lifetime guilty of fucking everything up.

"Not a goddamn problem," Lucas says, voice firm in the same way that Senne's is, comforting without brokering argument.

"Seriously, hermano," Joana says, "We just want you guys to feel comfortable whatever's going on. Having a panic attack- that wasn't your fault."

Cris nods from her girlfriend's side. "This wasn't the best idea in the world, considering what happened to you."

Isak nods. “You guys up for doing something else, something quieter, or do you just want to go home?”

You look at Robbe and he looks at you. “I’m up for something else,” he says, voice quiet, “As long as it’s quieter.”

“And there’s food,” you say, reaching out to caress his cheek, and several of your friends grin.

"We can definitely arrange that," David says with a grin, "Just don't let Nico or Eliott do the cooking, and we should be good."

You're rather curious as to that story, you are, but you're still focused on Robbe, on making sure that he's steady on his feet, on making sure that he's okay. He seems to be doing well, smiling at David's comment.

“Let's get out of here, then,” Martino says, looking at you with a bit of happiness in his eyes, even if said happiness is tainted by concern.

"Let's get out of here," Robbe agrees, bending over, picking up your vest, and handing it to you. You nod in thanks, then lean in and give him a gentle kiss on the nose in thanks.

-

The place that Even directs everyone to is your shared art school, and it takes a minute for everyone to get there but once everyone's there Even pulls out a key.

"Alright, guys," Even says, eyes alight with excitement and voice with the same, and you have to wonder if you had that same light in your eyes when you showed Robbe the pool. "We've got a spot we've been meaning to show you."

Then he opens up the school and the group all traipses down the hallway to a room that you've never really entered before, tucked on the back end of a back hallway. Once Even opens the door, everyone pours into the room, with all of the other couples filtering out, almost automatically, to various spots in the room, leading you to look around the room and wonder why you've never ended up in this particular lounge room in the building. It's kinda fucking amazing looking.

There's a mural on one wall, behind the couch that David and Matteo are currently curled up on- it's a giant drip painting in shades of purple and blue. On the wall with a giant window in the center, the walls are papered in sketches that seem to be from five distinct artistic styles, with a small section on the right side of the wall that's conspicuously blank. The third wall is completely blank, with a ceiling-mounted projector pointed at it. Maybe for projecting movies? In the middle of the room there are a few tables, and there's two easels up against the wall the door is on. There are a few beanbags dotting the floor, one of which Joana and Cris are currently occupying and the other of which Eliott and Lucas are cuddled on. Even and Isak are plopped down on another couch up against the window-wall, and Martino and Nico head to a table in one corner of the room, a table holding a small record player. 

"Fuck," you say, "This is pretty fucking amazing."

Joana snorts. "I'd sure hope so- Even and Eliott's principal gave us free reign to do whatever we wanted to the room as long as we created a schedule for different student/local groups to use it as well. The ten of us have it any night after 21:00."

"This group's technically considered a queer support group," Matteo fills in.

"But it's a bit more than that, isn't it?" you ask, eyes flickering.

Matteo shrugs. "A bit more, yeah."

Next to you, Robbe's gaze is caught on the drip painting. "That's pretty good," he says, his fingers twitching in yours. "There a story behind it?"

There are several snorts from around the room as Eliott winks down at Lucas. "There's definitely a story, you could say," Eliott says, voice lilting as if in an inside joke that you and Robbe aren't privy to.

Cris nods, her glasses flashing. "Let's just say that if we're playing a game about the weirdest places we've fucked, Eliott and Lucas take top place."

Lucas smirks, leaving you and Robbe to question the story behind that statement, as Even gestures to the other half of their sofa to you and Robbe. "C'mon, sit down, make yourselves at home."

You and Robbe are all too willing to take the suggestion, slumping down on the sofa next to Even and Isak. Robbe curls into your side and you pull him into a hug, holding him like he holds you after nightmares.

"Something like what happened to us happened to you guys, didn't it?" Robbe asks, tired gaze practically daring the group to confirm what the two of you have been speculating for over a month, now. You curl into him a little more, your arm going around his shoulder to try and keep providing some sense of comfort. Tonight's taken a lot out of both of you.

There are a bunch of glances between everyone save you and Robbe before someone finally answers your question. "Not exactly," Cris says, something dark passing over her features, "Our hell week usually came from mental illness stuff rather than, well, that."

"Hell week?" Robbe asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that's what we all call that week where everything went to shit, in between the first kiss and when we finally pulled our shit together," David answers as he plays with Matteo's hair. 

"You didn't get beaten up?" Robbe asks, gaze flickering to everyone, and most of them shake their heads.

"Something like this _nearly_ happened to Nico and I, months after hell week," Martino says, and they all turn to look at him. "But my friends fought off the assholes and we were okay. Gio, Elia, Luchino- they're my friends. My Gio is your Jens, and for the rest..." Martino shrugs, something almost hurt flashing across his face. "Well, I wish you had friends like that. That they could have protected you guys."

"We all do," Lucas agrees, "We all had people. You don't."

As you think about it, that's not exactly true. Yes, you and Robbe had no one to save you in the moment, but you have people now, people who support and comfort and protect you and Robbe. Milan. Zoe. Senne. Jens. 

You look at Robbe, and you're pretty sure he thinks the same.

"We _do_ have people," he says, confirming your thoughts. "We've got our flatmates, and Jens, and even the other boys, sometimes." He flashes a smile around the room. " _And_ we've got you guys."

"Aw," Eliott says, a grin lighting up his face, and you can see fond smiles from everyone else. "We've got you guys, too."

"One more couple for movie nights, right?" Nico agrees, and though he and Martino aren't curled up cuddled like the other couples in the room, you can see his and Martino's hands held over each other on the table between them, their feet entangled between their chairs.

"Speaking of movies," Even says, that strange, enigmatic smile on his lips that he gets sometimes, "Either of you like Romeo and Juliet?"

There are several groans around the room and a knowing smile from Isak, but Robbe just smiles and nods. "It's one of my favorite movies. Leonardo DiCaprio's my favorite actor."

"Oh, lord," Cris says, "Don't get Even started on that movie. It's _his_ favorite, too."

"I don't actually like that movie that much," you say, curious as to the differences between you and Even, who you suppose has to be your counterpart in this strange story.

Eliott raises an eyebrow. "That's interesting. _Robbe's_ the one who likes Romeo and Juliet?"

Next to Even, Isak rolls his eyes. "You say that as if I don't love the movie."

"You only like it because I introduced it to you, love," Even says, leaning in to give Isak a quick kiss on the cheek.

"So there are a lot of differences between us, aren't there?" Robbe asks, "Not just the whole beating thing?"

"Of course there are," Nico says, "We don't know how this works, exactly, but we're all individuals that are are more the same recipe, different ingredients, than reflections of each other."

"For example," Even says, "I don't love anyone here other than Isak." This earns him a small kiss on the cheek as well as rather strange feeling in your stomach, at the very idea of kissing anyone other than Robbe. Next to you, Robbe looks at you, something gleaming in his eye, a small smile on his lips. "Or, well, I do love all you guys, but in a platonic way. The only person I'm _in love_ with is Isak."

"Same for the rest of us," Martino says, brushing shoulders with Nico, who smiles back at him a way that you can only describe as "love-sick." You think that you look at Robbe that way, sometimes, like he's the sun and you're just the moon, reflecting his light. "But we _do_ understand each other in a way that so few other people do."

"We all have friends back home that are incredibly close and important to us," Cris continues, leaning forward a bit on her beanbag. "Friends who have stuck by us through thick and thin, who have supported us no matter what. But how I understand Isak, or Lucas, or Martino, or Matteo, or even you, Robbe, I'm pretty sure- that's different."

Robbe's looking around the room, at the people you and him have noticed so many similarities with, and you're sure he's giving each of his "counterparts" a closer look, trying to find details that match. You don't blame him- you're doing the same, looking at Even and David and Eliott and Joana and Nico, each of which has plenty of things in common with you that you know about and plenty that you're going to have to guess that you'll find out about soon.

"Don't let it freak you out," Martino says, "I know it's a bit strange, but-"

"It doesn't, really," Robbe says, looking at you, and you have to agree with him. "This feels...normal. Like home."

Then Robbe's stomach growls and you can't help but chuckle in his ear.

"But on a completely different note," you say, "Didn't we discuss food?"

Joana rolls off of her beanbag to reach a box in the corner, opening it up to reveal a cooler and a box of food inside. "Take your pick," she says with a welcoming smile.

Robbe climbs off of the sofa, pulling you along. "Don't mind if I do," he says, and you just have to smile and follow him.

-

You and Robbe get back to the flat that night, a little bit high from the weed that the group just had hanging around in the food box, but otherwise feeling pretty okay, despite the shitty start to the evening in the lazer tag arena.

You pause for a quick moment outside of the flat to kiss each other before heading inside. It's pretty freezing, here in the middle of December, but your lips are warm against each others', holding off the cold long enough to get in a few minutes of kissing before you head inside.

Inside the flat, Zoe and Senne are already in their rooms (or in one of their rooms, who knows), but Milan's sitting in the middle of the couch, scrolling through his phone.

Then Milan looks up. "Hey, boys," he says with a wide grin that has so much fucking warmth to it, "How was the evening?"

"Long," Robbe answers as you two toe off your shoes and hang up your coats.

Milan's face twists in sympathy. "Bad night?" he asks, eyes crinkling with concern, and you look over at Robbe.

"It was, at first," Robbe says, then gives you a smile. "Then it got better."

Milan lets out a soft _tut_. "C'mere," he says, gesturing to the sofa next to him, and both of you follow his gesture to plop down on either side of him.

He is, honest to god, like the father you've never had, in the strangest way. Senne's like an older brother and Zoe's like a sister and Robbe is the love of your life and you are at home, here, in this flat like you've never been able to be before.

So you don't blame yourself when Milan pulls both of you into a hug and you curl into it, just a little, feeling comfortable in his arms. (You can still remember the first night you met him, and how warm his hug was then- not much has changed since then.)

“I think,” you start, and then stop, swallowing, thinking over the words you've been thinking about since you and Robbe went to the ground inside of the lazer tag arena. “I think I might need to go to the therapist."

"You sure you're comfortable with that?" Robbe asks, eyes wide with concern, and you nod.

"I'm proud of you, kid," Milan says, voice tender, arm hugging you just a little tighter, and across from him you see Robbe smiling at you just as proudly, just as fondly, and it's not a supernova inside your chest but the sun itself, warming, bringing life-giving light.

-

That night, you curl up in bed with Robbe and kiss him slow and steady, pulling him down on top of you, his hands in your hair, your hands on his back.

You could stay here forever, you know, you and Robbe, with this family in the flat around you, with that community of people in that lounge just like you, with friends who care and support you. You could stay here, be the moon to his sun, being this fucking in love and this warm for the rest of your life.

And that's what you plan to do, as you lean up and kiss him, whisper _I love yous_ against his lips. As you hear him whisper them back, feel his smile against yours.

**Author's Note:**

> Do I maybe think that Sander and Robbe view the flat family just slightly different in terms of their parental figures and shit? Yeah. While Sander's all "Milan's my dad, the others are siblings," I'm pretty sure that Robbe's thinking "Milan=mom friend, Senne=dad friend" or like he has just acquired two dads. Either way, my boys love their flat family just as much as I do.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this fic! Things are finally looking up in WTFock and I have no idea when they'll drop the reunion clip but I'm here for it whenever it comes. Let's see if the homeless/abusive situation theory's right when it comes to Sander's background (crossing my fingers, but I'll love whatever they give us as long as it makes sense).


End file.
